I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I deserve this hangover.
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