wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
