i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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