Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
