Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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