i will never coherently bang her
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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