I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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