I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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