im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
