I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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