my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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