He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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