Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
