I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
operation harelip BJ is a go
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
