The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
