I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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