disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
