Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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