My liver just broke up with me...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
