While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
