yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
