I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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