Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
