Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
