what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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