My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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