no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
