A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
