Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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