Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
