I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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