Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
farters have to be the big spoon...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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