just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
