whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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