He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
