everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
