i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
