By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
