Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
