Cold hands, warm shart.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
