I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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