i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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