Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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