omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
