I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
