So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
