Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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