Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
