i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
