Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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