I just pynch a tree in the face
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
