Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you will always have a special place in my vag
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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