TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
