I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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